For the longest time, I could not find my place in this world. Almost every therapy session, journal writing, and conversation with my best friend would start or end somehow with this overwhelming feeling that I cannot find my place. That I do not know where home is anymore.
I would often ask myself, why do I always want more? Why do I always look for the next thing in my life? When would I know that I’ve arrived home?
For the longest time, I thought I had everything one can wish for. A stable job, a stable and warm family environment, and a routine. Still, something was always missing. But I did not know what that thing was, even though, if you would have asked me, I would point to different external things that I would think will make me complete once achieving them. But that never happened.
Turns out, for many years, I was going against the tide. Looking back at my journals from 2017, I was writing constantly about wanting to change things in my life, about wanting to do things differently, to explore more, to feel free, to do the things that bring me joy, to be adventurous, to live life on my own terms.
I was only writing about these things, but I was not doing anything different to change them, because I was stuck. My energy was stuck. In fact, I would do the total opposite not to change.
I would hide my feelings and desires. I would try to “settle down” because that is what grown-ups do. I would not express or communicate my clear intentions regarding my needs. And I would do this consciously and unconsciously. I know it’s not just me that feels this way.
Just the other day, I heard a conversation on the radio about how we make it so complicated for the other person whom we’re in a relationship with to know what we truly want and how we feel. And I thought about that.
How can we expect others to know what we want when we are not completely honest with ourselves about what we truly desire? Wouldn’t it be much, much easier if we learned to communicate as clearly as possible what we want?
To do that, we first need to unpack what we want. We need to scratch the surface. To go deeper and be honest with ourselves about where we are and where we want to be. There is not a one size fits all approach.
It took me a long time to get to this point of realization that I am the only one holding myself back. I did years of journaling, yoga, meditation, and different workshops on the area of self-discovery. I’ve read lots of books on these topics as well. And for a couple of months now, I’ve been going to therapy as well. So, I cannot point to one single thing that will help you start on your journey of awareness. For many others, this process gets activated through music, dance, travel, or any other creative outlet.
This is where I am in the process right now. It’s not easy. It is not fast. And it’s not something you do once and then you’re done. Working with your inner self is a journey. One that I am so glad I jumped on.